about this time i should be starting university, i have to start college from scratch, doing a course i dont want to do and that wont allow me to use my full potential. last year i started my alevels, before starting i was so motivated. i thought id be the most determined and dedicated in the college, all i had to do was get my head down into my studies, learn everything there was to learn and get a's all round . then goto an awesome university were id further my education more, come out with enough knowledge and a degree that would give me an awesome start, to get some money. to get my own businesses. i failed miserably , for a variety of reasons.
a lot has happened to me in the past, and i thought if i leave the past in the past and only look to the future that it would leave me alone and id be able to move on. but things have a way of creeping back up on you. weather you like it or not you have to face the past to deal with it and be able to move on into the future. other wise your lost in a world where you cannot escape. latley ive noticed ive not been able to properly calculate desisions. ive not been able to fully grasp and focus on what im doing, what i want to be doing, how im going to get there, obsticles in my way, how i can tackle these obsticles. each and every day i feel im loosing a piece of myself . the abition and persistence i used to have when i was younger is slowley being lost. i cannot think streight, its like theres a weight pushing on my brain.
i always see things that would help to improve or fix me, but then when i get them i realise there is another thing that would help. and its a never ending cycle . the true problem is myself, the true cause of my problems is myself
what ive talked about so far has no structure, its probably hard to follow. its probable hart the find a point in what im trying to say. and thats how i feel, unorganised, unstructured. i cannot find or see a clear path anymore. the dreamworld i was locked up in as a child is becoming ever more apparent to me that it is a dream. and will never become a reality.
theres so many thing i want to do and be in life. and the one main limitation preventing me from doing these things is myself
at times i can be really weird, its like im not in controll of my mind. its like im not in charge of my own body and my own way of thinking.
i need to find a way to be able to controll myself, to be able to use cognition. to be able to thuroughly think things through. to be able to see a clear path. to be able to able to create goals and stick to them
im going to leave this at the time being. this "blog" is more of a personal scrap of paper where i can throw whatever randomness im thinking out to try and help me to be able to see what im thinking more clearly and try to keep a track of things better.
